Lost and Torn
by ReadourMindff
Summary: Edward has always taken the straight and narrow. When his sister drags him to see a new band perform, his approach to life is forever rocked.
1. Reveal My Fate

**Summary: **Edward has always taken the straight and narrow**. **When his sister drags him to see a new band perform, his approach to life is rocked.

**Disclaimer: **I hold no claim to the characters or locations in this story. Everything in relation to Twilight is property of Stephenie Meyer**.** All lyrics are property of the band, Breaking Benjamin.

This is a revise of an older fanfic that I started with a friend. I did not steal it, don't worry! All chapters will be very short. Mistakes are mine.

* * *

_**~Edward~**_

Friday nights were my favorite time of the week. You see, while other guys my age were out doing only God knows who or what, I was perfectly content to be in my bedroom, sprawled out on my bed reading and studying. One can never be too prepared. I was trying to keep my grades elevated for medical school. With both of my parents being doctors, I knew that was to be my future profession, or at least something in the medical field to be my destiny. I knew that they wanted the best for me and I figured this was it.

You see, my parents may not admit it, but they believe to have screwed up somehow when it came to my older sister, Rosalie. She is twenty-one and still living at home. Barely finishing high school, we knew college was not in her future. Her favorite pastime was spending our parent's money. I suppose if she had a better attitude, she would make a nice trophy wife one day. While Rose was a social butterfly, I was more of a recluse. Quite often, she gives me a hard time for being overly studious and anti-social, but I found it more appealing than getting so inebriated I couldn't walk, or bedding any girl who so much as glanced at me. While she and I got on just fine, I did not always agree with her ways. She just didn't seem to take life as seriously as I.

I guess many would say I am essentially a nerd. At least that is what I have heard most of my life. I refuse to let it trouble me though. I fully embrace my inner nerd, so my sister says. I just started my senior year in high school and am at the top of my class.

Halfway through the final chapter, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. I lay there silently, hoping that whoever it was would take the hint and leave.

"Eddie, I know you're in there." I heard my sister call out as she jiggled the handle. "Open the door. Now!" _Great_.

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**A/N: I have some chapters ready to go and will try to post daily. No idea on how long this will be, but with the chapters will stay short, and the story in full will be quite wordy. ****Expect multiple POV changes. The pairing will ultimately be Edward/Jasper and have a HEA. Don't expect rainbows and sunshine along the way, you will be sorely disappointed. **


	2. I Will Not Fall

I lied. I wanted to get this out. Maybe more later. If not, see ya tomorrow!

**~Edward~**

I groaned internally as I tossed my book aside. I may as well humor her. Hopefully that would appease her and I can get back to my studies. I loved her dearly, but she always tried to push women on me that she deemed my perfect match or wanted to drag me clubbing with her. I wasn't even old enough to get into these clubs, but that didn't stop her from trying to drag me anyway. I've never given in and always had an excuse at the ready.

"Rose," I said, opening the door. I feigned sleepiness, hoping she would hurry this up.

She stood there hand on hip, one perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised, and holding a rather large shopping bag. I gave her a quick once-over. She had on a black, strapless dress that barely covered all her… parts, with mile-high matching boots. The heel on those things had to be five inches, at least. Thank heavens our parents were out. She may be twenty-one, but I knew they would not agree with her attire.

She pushed past me, taking a seat on my computer chair, and I knew my act was hardly Oscar worthy.

"So," she continued. "My new man's band 'Torn' is performing tonight at Lost Horizon and you are so going with. I really want you to meet Em. He snagged us free passes and added us to the list to meet them backstage after the show." Then she bit her bottom lip and smiled up at me. "Please." Oh no, there was that pout. Rose must really want this, pulling the big guns out. She knows I can't refuse that face.

I let out a groan. "Rosalie, I have a lot of work to do and you know I don't like the idea of clubs." She huffed and rolled her eyes before looking over at my bed.

"Oh come on, Edward. You never go out. You're always stuck in here, _studying_!" She actually made finger quotes, which earned a small laugh from me. As if she thought I was doing something else. "Please, please, please? I really like Emmett. I think he may be the one." Yeah, I have heard that before. Let me see, I believe I remember Jared being _the one_. Oh, who could forget Liam? They were both members of other bands, of course. My sister may say I'm a nerd, and I had to give her that, but she was the epitome of a groupie.

"Fine," I conceded. "But I'm driving. And once I've met this _Emmett_, I'm gone." Her face lit up and she gave me a huge hug.

"Thanks Eddie," she said kissing my cheek. "I promise you'll have fun. The band is so hot and their sound is insane!" Yeah, there goes that dreamy look again. Ugh. "Here's some stuff for you to wear tonight. " She left the bag on my bed and started to leave the room.

"Oh, and Rose," she looked back, "for the millionth time, don't call me Eddie!"

She just smiled and blew a kiss. I cringed, downright petrified of what the night might entail.


	3. Until I Fade Away

**~Jasper~**

"Hey, Jay!" I looked over to see Emmett appraising me. "You ready for tonight, bro?"

I rubbed my hands over my face and took a deep, calming breath. We were doing a new song tonight and like most of the songs I wrote, this one hits close to home. "Yeah. Rose coming?"

Emmett guffawed. "She will be later. Over and over, my man, over _and_ over." I realized my mistake too late. He may be my best friend, but he will be eternally a twelve year old. A six foot five, built like a brick shit-house monster of a man, but suffering from Peter Pan syndrome twelve year old. I loved him like a brother. We'd been through too much together and I could always count on him.

I shook my head at his antics. "Anyway, I'm gonna run through these progressions once more to make sure we're good to go. Wanna join in?"

He gave a right-handed salute and went to his kit with a mile-wide smile on his face, ready as ever. I called the other guys in.

We did a quick run through the set, fine tuning it for tonight's show. Leah, our manager gave the thumbs up. "Almost time, guys."

**~Edward~**

Twenty minutes later, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror while Rose made an attack on my hair, using some hair product she seemingly pulled out of nowhere.

"There, all done," she said proudly. I turned around, putting on my glasses back on to get a better view. My hair looked a mess, similar to having just woken up. Reluctantly, I thanked her. She made me ditch the glasses for my contacts. When it came to style, what did I know? I figured this must be _in_, as she wouldn't want to be caught dead with me looking like a total douche.

"Don't forget your ID," she called out from the bathroom as she fixed her lip-gloss.

"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, grabbing it from the drawer. Most seventeen year olds got gift cards for their birthday, not fake ID's. That was her idea of the perfect gift, lucky me.

After a dress check in the full mirror, making a kissy face at her reflection and announcing she was _fuck hot_, Rose was ready to go.

I grabbed the keys to my Volvo off the nightstand and heard her grumbling about old lady cars and how embarrassed she was to be seen in it. I bit back with the fact that _she_ asked _me_ to go. I could just go back to studying. Funny, I didn't hear a peep out of her the whole drive to the venue.


	4. Confined Inside

This one's a bit longer. I will try to keep one update daily from here on out and can't guarantee chapter length. Again, mistakes are mine. I'm using this as an outlet and I am NOT a writer and have only gone through basic English courses. Thank you for giving this a try and sticking by!

**~Edward~**

By the time we arrived at the club, the entrance line was nearly around the corner. "See E, I told you they were good." I silently tagged along as we bypassed the long line and made it to a rope. The bouncer at the door looked Rose over a little too closely for my taste, his main focal point being her breasts. I mean, she _was_ practically falling out of her dress, so I could certainly understand his ogling. But his waggling eyebrows my way were a little unsettling. _Gross, that's my sister._

Rose proceeded to give her name plus one. The bouncer, or Felix as he told us, asked to see my ID. Rose assured me before our arrival that I would be fine, even though the club had a twenty-one minimum. Felix looked me over and I was a little nervous that he would call my bluff. I didn't want to be here, but I also didn't want the embarrassment of being turned away in this throng of people.

Finally he deemed me of age, handed my card back, and motioned to the door. Just inside, another large man stamped our hands.

Rosalie ran off saying she needed to freshen up and I wandered around a bit. As the club began to fill, I started to feel a little claustrophobic. I decided I had better go look for her before it got overly crowded. She was standing near the sound check station in the middle of the floor, talking to a small, dark haired girl with hair sticking out in all different directions. Pretty girl, but nothing that had me wanting to look twice. Rose held up her finger to me, signaling to give her a minute.

I made a quick glance around the club, noticing it seemed bigger once you were inside. The floors were wooden and drink venues had been set up on both sides, while a third sat to the far left. Signs that advertised the many brands of beer available blanketed the walls. In the upper right corner was the merchandise area; the end set up for possible meet and greets. Rose had told me earlier that the band had a tight schedule for this particular show and would not be conversing with the fans this evening. I found the stage to be dead center to the far right side. Gates were in place at the front, forming a barrier around double doors behind it. Presumably the doors were the band entrance.

"Come on, Edward," my sister called out, locking our arms together and pulling me along. "I want to be up front where Em can see me best."

She maneuvered us through the crowd of eager fans, quite possibly stepping on people along the way. I heard a few choice words from others as we cut to the front, but Rose was on a mission. I apologized as much as possible, happy when she found a spot for us. It was on the gate, just off center to the right. According to her, this was the perfect spot, where we would have a good view of Emmett on drums.

The men Rosalie referred to as roadies, finished setting the stage and sound checks. More people surrounding us by the minute. Two girls were standing next to me, leering my way for the longest time. I tried to be polite, smiling over at them but they were being borderline creepy about it. Rose was on the other side of me talking about the band.

"Excuse me," the creepy, frizzy haired brunette said to me. "My friend and I think you are pretty hot. You busy after the show?" I flushed slightly at her forwardness.

Not used to having women talk to me in this manner, I was left speechless. I knew I wasn't ugly but never considered myself, _hot_. I'd only been on one real date in my life. My mother roped me into it. Both our mothers were on the Hospital Board together and thought it would be nice to set us up. Lauren spent the entire night whining about _everything_, and then tried sticking her tongue down my throat when I took her home. _I shuddered at the thought_. Yeah, that turned me right off from dating for at least the next decade.

"Back off bitches, my brother's not interested," Rosalie snapped at them from around me. Wide eyed, their mouths fell slightly open and then closed in frustration. I wanted to laugh, but being the nice person I am, didn't. The creepy girls turned on their heels and stalked off, grumbling. Moments later, there were two different girls standing there. I backed a little closer to my sister and proceeded to give my full attention to her.

The lights dimmed and the crowd cheered. I looked to the stage and mere seconds was all it took for me to forget that I hated clubs, crowds, and all the screaming fan-girls that packed this place.


	5. Forsaken

As always, thank you for sticking with me and hello to my new readers! I had a really hard time on this one, hopefully it reads ok…

**~Jasper~**

We hit the stage to the loud cheers of our fans. It was a rush. This is when I feel most alive. I gave my trademark crooked grin to everyone and even winked at a couple of the ladies. Not out yet, I ran with it as most of our following was of the female persuasion. Leah thought it a smart tactic. Not being with anyone except for the random fucks I sometimes pick up, I agreed. I'm not ready for anything more; not sure I'll ever be.

I shook that thought from my head and welcomed everyone, thanking them for being here. Emmett started in with an easy beat while I continued warming the crowd up. Now in the correct frame of mind, I started the intro to _Sooner or Later_, our newest song. Not yet released publicly, our fans seemed eager for the new addition.

Halfway through the second song, I noticed Rose near the front of the audience. She seemed to be chatting with a guy next to her. I couldn't see his face, but knowing how protective Emmett was, I knew he wouldn't be too happy. I looked to Emmett and he also looked on, but surprisingly, had a smile on his face.

Looking back at the guy next to Rose again, he faced towards me now.

Beautiful.

The lights were low and I couldn't tell the color of his hair, but I wanted to feel the artful disarray. Muss it up even more as I pounded into him. Every part of him was calling me.

I needed.

Wanted.

And… I could not.

The boy stared at me with his brow puckered and a frown. Back in control, I finished the song. Two more. I could only hope Rose knew this boy well enough that he would be coming to the back after the show. As much as I knew I shouldn't, I wanted to know more of this boy.

**~Edward~**

It was as if I suddenly developed tunnel vision. All I could see was a man. A man with thick, blond hair and a surging storm in his cloudy gray eyes. Colorful ink ran over his toned arms with promise of more peeking from under his shirt. Snug, light wash jeans showcased his muscular legs.

This man was glorious in his element.

This man was.

And for the first time, I felt.

The way he moved around the stage, the passion he put into his music, the intensity on his face. So much ran through my mind as I stared at him.

I leaned in close to Rose's ear. "What's the singer's name again?"

"Jasper," she yelled out, not missing a beat in movement to the music.

After the first song, Jasper yelled out to the crowd for response. Everyone clapped and cheered louder. It was hard to concentrate on his words, my focus more on his body. _Am I gay?_ I couldn't understand these new feelings, but I felt the attraction. My body felt the attraction.

Most of the crowd seemed to know the words to the next few songs. Their music was good, better than good actually. They had raw talent; the sound was fresh, unlike anything I'd heard in a while. Jasper's vocal range and the bands diverse sound was witnessed on many of the fans' faces. They loved him. He could scream out the lyrics and flip a 360 with his unique voice on ballads like no other I've heard.

As if Jasper heard my praise, he looked my way. He seemed to be staring straight through me as he sang out with such intensity. Funny, I swore I saw hint of sadness burning his eyes.

_It's hopeless; the end will come and wash it all away.  
Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way.  
And I can't remember how it all began to break.  
You suffer, I live to fight and die another day._

He jumped to his feet and walked to the other side of the stage. The song ended and he introduced all his band members. The crowd was alive with screams and applause. The band thanked everyone for coming out to support them and made their way off stage.


	6. I See You

**~Edward~**

Rose grabbed my arm, proceeding to weave us through the mass of people, toward the doors that Jasper and his band went through. She said something to a bouncer. He checked a sheet and opened the gate for us to enter through the back doorway, leading to a narrow hallway.

"So, you ready to meet the love of my life, little brother?"

"Sure, Rose," I chuckled, putting my arm around her shoulders. "What ever happened to my love 'em and leave 'em sister?"

She stopped and turned, looking at me earnestly. "I really think he's the one, Ed." I smiled softly. "That's great, Rose. Really, it's about damn time." She slugged my arm and pushed open the blue door on our right. There were three sofas lining the walls, a refrigerator, and a rather large oblong table covered with food and liquor bottles against the fourth wall. I followed Rosalie as she walked over to the fridge, she grabbed a bottle of water and another of Coke to mix with the bottle of Jack on the table. She made her drink then sat down one of the sofas, handing me the water and patting the cushion next to her, silently telling me to sit.

Five minutes later, Emmett and the Bassist, Mike, came through the door. Rose was on her feet at once, running to Emmett, jumping in his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. He placed his hands on her ass and they proceeded to make out. I looked away, a little grossed out at their public display, especially being as my sister was involved. Mike walked over with a heaping plate of food.

"Hey man, you must be R's bro. Name's Mike." He stuck his hand out to which I took.

"Yeah, I'm Edward." I said with a polite smile.

"Yo, Em! Your girl's bro is here. Dude, put her down and show some manners." Mike said around a mouthful of food. I tried not to laugh at the irony.

Emmett set Rose down and they walked over, Emmett giving me his hand. "It's great to meet you, Eddie. Rosie has talked quite a bit about you."

I cringed at the nickname he used for each of us, "Only good things, I hope."

"Of course!" He added with roll of his eyes, "This big guy is my brother, Mike. Sorry you had to meet him first."

Mike pushed him. "Whatever, dude. Hey, where's Leah?"

"She's with Jasper, discussing upcoming shows." Emmett looked at me. "Do you mind if I steal your sister away for a while?"

"Not at all. Go. Have fun. I'll just hang here." I'd already guessed that they would want some time alone. Though if she didn't come back in an hour or so, I'd be calling. I _did_ want to get a little more studying done tonight.

Peter, the lead guitarist strolled in with the creepy girls from earlier, one girl under each of his arms. The creepy girls were giggling and looking up at him, fake lashes fluttering. I looked back at Mike who gave Peter thumbs up. Peter gave me a nod before he grabbed a bottle of liquor and walked right back out the door, giggling creepers in tow.

We heard a commanding feminine voice yelling in the hall, "Peter, I need to see you later to go over some things." Mike snorted and I heard him say under his breath, "Yeah, good luck with that."

A tall, statuesque woman with a no nonsense look and sleek, chin length black hair walked in, Jasper following behind. My nerves started to fray. I still didn't understand where all these mixed feelings were coming from.

The woman came over and Mike introduced her as Leah, the band manager.

"Nice to meet you," I said.

Leah didn't offer a hand just a curt nod, "Right." She started barking orders to Mike and he fled the room with her on his heels.

I was now alone in the room with Jasper. I looked over to where he was standing near the refrigerator, a beer bottle to his lips. I watched agonizingly as he took a long pull. He set the bottle on the table and gave me a hard look.


	7. Ready to Play

**~Jasper~**

He cleared his throat, "Hi, I'm Edward, Rosalie's brother."

I met his eyes and gave a smirk. "Isn't that convenient."

I went and sat next to him on the sofa. So many thoughts ran through my head. I knew I shouldn't. I should just walk away.

His tongue peeked out, running over his beautiful rosy lips before he spoke again. "So, I'm sure you've heard this a lot, but you guys are great! I really enjoyed myself." He shifted as if trying to get comfortable. I could tell he was anxious though. His eyes continuously roamed the room. The boy couldn't hold my stare.

I gave a genuine smile. "Thanks. It's great to hear from someone new." It was my turn to clear my throat and continued, "So, uhhh… your sister and Emmett will probably be gone for a while. You want to see our bus? I'll give you a cd and tee since you're a fan and all now." I winked at him, hoping he would take the bait. I couldn't help it. I wanted to be somewhere that held even more privacy, knowing no one would be on the bus. Emmett was going to kill me.

"S-Sure. Sounds cool, man," he responded before getting up and following me out the door towards the back of the building. I led us out to our tour bus. It was only a rental, but our home away from home while on the road.

Once inside, the beautiful boy sat down on a padded bench at the table, his hands steepled; looking down at them while I went to the back. Grabbing a cd and t-shirt from the bins, I brought them back to where he sat, retrieving a sharpie pen along the way. Removing the cap with my teeth and winking at him again, I signed both the shirt and cd cover. He blushed and thanked me as I offered him a beer. I knew this boy was nineteen, maybe twenty tops, but I wanted him to relax. He told me that he could only drink one due to being the designated driver for the night.

We made small talk about the goings-on while on the road and I explained the newest leg of the tour. It was bigger cities and venues as our name was really getting out there.

"So, how about that tour?" I asked.

"Okay."

I stood and motioned toward the back, "After you then."

**~Edward~**

The living and kitchen areas were connected, so we continued past them. The first door on the left was the bathroom; across the way, a nice-sized closet with a floor length mirror attached; crammed with clothing. Jasper told me the band members shared it. Just beyond were the bunks. I stopped and peeked inside one, wondering how comfortable they could actually be.

"Actually, that one's mine." Jasper spoke before placing a hand on my shoulder.

My eyes widened and my stomach knotted with nerves again. "Oh."

After the tour we made our way back to the main living space. We both took a seat on the sofa; sitting quietly for a few moments. I chanced a glance at him and he was running his fingers through his hair, repeatedly. It was as if he was nervous for some unknown reason. I was enjoying the sight of those long nimble fingers. More than I should. I saw him swallow hard.

Jasper's next words both shocked and flattered me. "Can I tell you something?" I nodded softly whilst looking into his deep gray eyes. He gently stroked my cheek with his index finger. "I think you're beautiful."

I flushed at his comment. I've never thought of males to be beautiful. I could feel my cheeks burning and looked down at the floor.

"Like I said. Beautiful." I peered up at him through my eyelashes.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Jasper whispered.

Words would not form, I just shook my head.

"How long has it been?"

"I've actually never had one." I managed to get out.

"Never? Really?" I shook my head again,

Jasper looked at me, contemplating. "Boyfriend?" He had a wistful look in his eyes. I knew the question was not for taunting.

"No. I've never held interest in anyone of that nature; at least not until now," I mumbled the last part.

I could see the storm brewing in his eyes again. I was left unsure of what to say; what to do. "Can I kiss you?" he asked a look of longing now apparent.


	8. Crawl Back Inside

**~Edward~**

"Yes, please yes," I replied, breathlessly.

"Mmm… You really have no idea how beautiful you are. Do you?" He breathed hotly in my ear whilst his words drew a long moan from me.

He returned my moan with his own, laid me down on the sofa; our bodies flush. I could feel his erection against my own through our layers of clothing. Finally, his lips descended on mine. Having never had a real kiss, no, I refused to count Lauren Mallory's repulsive attempt; it took me a few moments to move my lips in correct form with his. But when we became synchronous, all else outside our bubble ceased to exist.

Jasper squeezed my shoulders, his hands kneading my biceps and then made a pass to my chest. My hands moved up and tangled in his curls, mistakenly pulling. He growled and I was surprised, as my hair pulling seemed to urge him on. I tried again and this attempt elicited a rougher kiss in return. My heart soared that my unknowledgeable hands could provoke such a response.

I felt his tongue running along my bottom lip, requesting entrance. My heart pounded in my chest. I wanted this. I had to have this incredible man.

_**~Jasper~**_

This beautiful boy made me feel things I haven't felt in a very long time. The sweet noises coming out of him would be my undoing. He wore too much clothing. Through heavy-lidded eyes, I looked at him for conformation as I played with the button on his jeans. The unbridled lust, evident on his face, spoke for him.

My hands shed his pants, along with his boxer briefs. I knew this would be over fast; him having no previous experience. I palmed his arousal and wrapped my hand around the base. He fisted my hair tighter. My hand worked up to the head of his soft, yet firm cock. I felt a few beads of his sticky sweetness and my mouth watered. I needed to taste this boy; needed to have his essence inside me.

Slowly, dropping to the floor, I reached out with the tip of my tongue and swirled it in his foreskin. Pushing the skin back, I inhaled the sensual musk embracing his skin, the heady scent making me even harder.

I looked up and his eyes were squeezed shut. "Relax sweet boy, just feel." The hunger I held for him grew to an inferno. Sticking my tongue out and licking across his slit, fresh drops emerged and I eagerly wasted nothing.

"Ungggh. Oh, God!" he breathed out. I took him fully in my mouth, relaxing my throat muscles. He hit the back of my throat and I wrapped my fingers around what wouldn't fit. My head started bobbing as I gave him all I had to give, my tongue dancing across his frenulum as I went. With my hair in his fists, I could tell he was trying not to buck into my face. At the moment, I could hardly mind.

Unintelligible words came out of his mouth and a few short moments passed before he tried to pull my head away. "Ja... Jasperrr! I'm about to…" I disregarded his warning and continued to give him the only thing I could. Almost immediately, the boy let go and delicious warmth made its way down my throat. I closed my eyes and swiftly pulled away after he was finished.

With the dull ache starting in my chest again, "We should get back. I'm sure Rose is looking for you." A hard look came over his face.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." We put ourselves back together and left the bus. I noticed Emmett and Rose along with a few fans talking in the hall on our way back to the backstage refreshment area.

"Ed! I was wondering where you went. I'm ready to go." Rosalie's words held a slight slur.

"All set. Jasper was just taking me on a tour of their bus." He wouldn't look at me. This is how it has to be.

They said their goodbyes and walked away. Emmett knew something happened out there. A look of disgust crossed his face and he walked away from me. I wandered back to the bus, picked up my guitar and began to strum; new lyrics floating effortlessly.


	9. As We Dance With the Devil Tonight

_**~Edward~**_

"Oh my God, Ed! What'd I tell ya? Are they hot or what?" Rose yelled out, dancing toward the Volvo.

I nodded, keeping my eyes ahead of me. "Uh… yeah. They were great, Rosalie."

"Mmm hmmm. Sure sounds like you enjoyed it. Okay, so maybe this wasn't your thing. I was only trying to help. Dude, you really need to get out more. You're becoming a hermit or something," she huffed, getting into the passenger seat. "But isn't my Em great? I'm getting more into him each time I see him. Oh, and we had a chance to talk more about where things are going between us tonight." She continued on, her patter drowned out by my scrutiny of Jasper.

Still puzzled as to why he seemed so distant after we left the bus, my mind filtered through the short amount of time we spent together. My teenage hormones came ablaze with thoughts of his caresses on the bus. The last thing I needed was to be aroused with my sister next to me. A shudder ran through me.

No, I needed to figure out what I did wrong. I noticed sadness in his eyes at times, meanwhile, other times desire seemed to be the most dominate. It was almost as if there was some kind of inner battle between the two. I wanted to reciprocate, maybe not perform the act of fellatio, but I am sure I could have at least managed using my hand on him. Ugh. There goes my erection again. I could _not_ stop thinking of him.

And, he acted as if it never happened. Left me unknowing as to whether I should chalk it up to inexperience on my part. It was quite possible that I did something wrong? Or, could this have been a casual thing for him? I hoped he did not think I was anything like my sister. Maybe he thought that was what I wanted, expected from him. But, then I remembered. He never asked or received any physical pleasure from it. Maybe he took care of himself after?

Rose poking my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts. "Hey, what the hell is your problem? You've been acting weird since we left." I came out of my fog and realized we were already home; surprised we made it there safely with my mind so far elsewhere. For at least twenty minutes I shut my sister and our surroundings out; my mind trying to dissect the time I spent with Jasper.

"Nothing," I mumbled. "Just tired, that's all."

She was right behind me. "Edward? Are you sure? You're even quieter than usual. And that's saying something."

I gave her a false smile, unlocking the door. "Yeah, Rose. Everything's fine… really."

She looked at me unconvincingly. "Ed. I know something is going on. Maybe you're not ready to give a straight answer yet. Just remember, I'm here when you're ready. Anyway, I'm headed to bed, 'night." She climbed the stairs after giving my shoulder a quick squeeze.

Once inside my room, I shed my clothing, replacing them with pajama pants. I pushed all the stuff on my bed to the side and shut off the light. Flopping into bed, I closed my eyes willing sleep to come, yet Jasper invaded every attempt. I groaned, my mind concluding that if Rosalie continued to see Emmett, chances were that Jasper and I would without a doubt, be destined to meet again.

* * *

Saturday went by without a hitch. The gloomy skies decided to open up, but I kept to my room, thankful for the respite. Still, sleep wouldn't take hold of me. Thoughts of Jasper ran my mind ragged. I punched my mattress and got out of bed with a grumble. Grateful that the temperature hovered steadily in the mid 60's and the rain had let up, I threw on a clean tee and my jogging shorts. A late night jog around the gated community we lived in was just what I needed. I arrived home with a clear head. That however, failed to be long-lived.

_**~Jasper~**_

Lying on my bed Saturday night with my ears buds in, the raw bluesy-rock of The Black Keys only minutely drowned out the persistent madness in my head. I peered over at my alarm clock, taking notice of the time. I blinked, refocusing, my eyes watery after blankly staring at the ceiling for so long. Framing Hanley started up and I knew I needed to get fuck out of here. I yanked the ear buds out while tossing my iPod to my bed. Yeah, a smoke and a walk sounded about fucking right.

I made my way into the hall of the apartment I shared with Emmett. We didn't have much, but it worked for us. I found him lounging on the couch, PS3 controller in hand.

"Jasper, man, I wanted to talk to you," he said, pressing pause on his game. The look on his face was pensive. I had an idea of what was coming; I just wanted the smoke I was jonesing for.

"Alright then, join me outside," I conceded. We craved our nicotine, but no way in hell were we going to let the stale smell hover around our living space. I dealt with that, and more, for far too long while in my formative years. I shook my head, ridding thoughts of the past. _Not now._

We put our shoes on and walked the flight of stairs that led to the main door in the building. Stepping outside, I inhaled the warm night air. Grabbing the pack out of my pocket, I tapped one out, lit up. "So, what's up?"

He took a long drag and looked at me thoughtfully before speaking. "Something happened with you and Rose's brother last night. What the _fuck_, man? I stood by and didn't speak up while you pulled _tricks,_ or whatever the fuck it is you _do_ with these guys on the road. But, Edward? Too close to home, man. You screw this up with me and Rosie…" he shook his head, letting out a bitter laugh.

"Well, you have nothing to worry about then. It was nothing; he's _nothing_ to me." I replied without emotion.

"When's it gonna end, Jasper? Do you _want_ something to happen again? One of these days, _they_ won't just let this stand as _nothing_. You will pick up the wrong guy… You need to move on, find someone. First, I think you should see about finding someone to talk to again. Rose's dad is a doctor. Maybe I can ask her. We can be discrete." I was done. Flicking my cigarette away, I turned to get away from him… from this.

Emmett yelled out, "Just keep walking away, Jasper. That's always been one of your strengths." That's exactly what I did.

Mindlessly, I wandered the streets. The next thing I knew, I was up against a wall, my mind blank. I looked down to see a twink with brown hair and eyes servicing me with his mouth while he looked up at me. I pulled my cock from his mouth and pumped myself harshly, all the while looking back at _nothing._


	10. Sorrow Still Remains

_**~Edward~**_

One day a week was carved out of my family's busy schedule. This is why I spent the afternoon on Sunday listening to asinine thoughts coming from my sister. She certainly lacked a verbal filter and I held the belief that anything she thought ended up spoken seconds later. My parents were only a fraction better. Yeah, Sunday dinners with the family were not a favorite activity of mine. They usually ended up with me asking to be excused to escape the insanity. I loved my family, but things could get unnerving, especially when my mother started asking about my love life, or lack thereof.

My father, Carlisle, a handsome and compassionate family man, was chief of surgery at OSU Medical Center. This occupation left him a very busy, but somehow always managing an hour or two for his family every Sunday. This was the routine as far back as I could remember. Whenever Rose or I had an illness or even just a small scrape, he tended to us with utmost precision.

Esme, my mother, was a very loving and gentle soul. Delicate in her petite stature, she had long, flowing caramel-colored hair and big blue-green eyes. Never once growing up, could I recall a time that I heard her complain about the hours my father spent working. Early on, we were taught the importance of his job, and to respect the sacrifices and his obligation to society. She is a pediatrician in a private practice, shared with two other doctors, but does not overwork herself. My mother also gives during her extra time with charities and such. From time to time, my sister and I help.

Both of my parents were upstanding citizens in the community and the world in my eyes. Very early into their marriage they wanted children, never succeeding. After five years and countless procedures, they found their dream shattered. My parents, however, did not give up and found an alternative solution. Within a year, they adopted my sister, at only a few months old. Four years later, they took the same route and brought me into the fold. For that, I will be eternally grateful to both of them. And for all of their overprotective tendencies and the pressure put on me to succeed, I could not have asked for a better family.

We had it easy, as my father's job has made for no need in outside assistance; my parents did not flaunt it. Even though we lived in a very posh neighborhood, we were as normal as can be. Sure, we had access to every convenience but my parents did not go overboard. We never had a nanny and only a housekeeper one day a week. My mother took us to all of our school activities, games, and plays dates; tended to all our illnesses and mishaps when my father was working, and read to us every night before tucking us into bed. My father attended as many functions as possible, but his job was, by far, more demanding. Still, he never missed a father-daughter dance with Rose, and was able to attend many of my soccer games.

"Hi, sweetie!" my mother exclaimed, as I came downstairs.

"Hey, mom," I replied, kissing her cheek.

"Dinner will be ready soon," she cleared her throat while looking at me appraisingly. "I meant to ask. Did you and Rosalie enjoy yourselves the other night?"

"Yeah," I answered, internally cringing. _Please leave it alone._

Luckily, at that moment Rose came into the room, occupying my mom with... whatever.

I moved past to take my place at the dining table. Soon after, my father and sister brought out the bowls and platters of food before we began our meal.

Pleasant conversation was made about the week's events; my attention lying elsewhere, until I heard Rosalie mention Emmett's name. She was asking our parents if it would be okay to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner, as they would be on the road for the next two months. They gave each other looks of surprise and elation as this had never happened in the past. My mother gave a bright smile and if I did not know better, I believe she was misty-eyed. My father simply gave Rose a smile and nod before returning to his vegetables.

And this cemented my belief that Jasper and anything pertaining to us, was and is the past.

The snapping of fingers brought me back to the present. Rose gave me a look of disapproval. "Hello! Earth to Eddie?" She teased.

"Sorry," I whispered, feeling a slight blush tinge my cheeks.

"Honey, are you okay?" my mother frowned and got up to feel my forehead.

"Yeah… uhhh… I was just thinking about an important test I have tomorrow."

"I'm sure you'll do just fine son. You always do." My father said smiling, while Mom gave her agreement. With my appetite lost, I sat pushing food around on my plate. Rose looked at me with her brow furrowed in question, but said nothing.

After dinner, I retired to my room, feigning a headache. My mother tried to take my temperature, but I told her I'd be fine and just needed rest. I spent the third night in my bed, tossing, turning and disgusted with myself as I still could not get _him_ out of my head.


	11. I Couldn't Imagine

_**Please make sure to read the Author note at the bottom. See ya there!  
**_

* * *

_**~Edward~**_

The following week at school proved itself just as routine as many before. Somehow, I managed an A on my Chemistry test despite my distracted thoughts. Rosalie continued to look at me funny and I continued to dodge her questions.

It was unusually quiet around our home. Rose spent a lot of time out with friends… or pining for Emmett.

By Wednesday, I decided to put even more effort toward trying to move on and get back some normalcy in my life.

That morning in Math class, Garrett kept bringing up a party at Riley's house slated for Friday night.

"Hey, man? You wanna go? I can pick you up?" Garrett asked, turning toward me in his seat.

"Sorry, can't. Paper due next week." I replied distractedly. _Please let it go._

"Dude. You need to lighten up and live a little. Senior year, baby." He shook his head before turning back around.

After his badgering, I let my gaze dwell out the window, noticing Bella Swan in my peripheral, eyeing me. I never paid that much attention to her before today. She was a pretty brunette with a nice smile; shy most of the time. I smiled kindly back. She blushed and looked away quickly, hiding behind her curtain of hair. I wondered if that was the first time she looked my way. _Could I still be gay and find a girl attractive? Does it work like that? Could this mean I'm bisexual?_

At lunch, I picked at my food. Garrett and Riley continued to speak of the upcoming party. I rolled my eyes when the conversation turned into a debate on which _chick_ they wanted to hook up with. I let my eyes peruse the caf, contemplating each girl they objectified in their debate. All were attractive in their own way but not a one stood out to me. Maybe I wanted more. Maybe I wanted something different.

My attention soon targeted in on Alec Winters, the only person _out and proud _in the school. He didn't care if anyone knew his preferences. I wanted to talk with someone, and briefly thought that maybe Alec could help. Still unsure of my own _status,_ I decided against it. _What if it backfired and he told everyone. What if someone saw us talking and immediately deemed me as gay?_ _I'm not sure I'm ready for that assumption._

Tired after school, I went straight to my room to lie down; thankful to have the house to myself. I threw my backpack on the floor beside my desk, noticing the pile of folded laundry on my bed. The brown plaid button-down I wore to the Torn concert last Friday lay on top. I picked it up and placed it to the side. After putting away the rest of the clothing, I again picked up the shirt, flopping myself on the bed. My thoughts soon turned to Jasper. I brought the shirt to my nose, longing for another breath of him, but regretfully found no lingering trace of his scent.

_My vision fogged and I looked into those beautiful gray eyes. His sweet lips fit perfectly with mine in those desperate kisses we shared. His touch, so thorough. His tongue caressed my skin so intently. His mouth… _

My pants became snug amongst these thoughts. They refused to shut down. I palmed my arousal in defeat. This act was not a regular occurrence for me, the urge never being held in the forefront of my mind. Maybe I'm not normal like other teenage boys, but at this moment, all I cared about was my impending release. I hurriedly removed my pants to relieve some pressure. Without thought I sat on my bed, my back resting against the headboard, my boxer briefs lay discarded on the floor.

_He was ready to take me in his mouth again, I shook my head at him, asking for something more. I needed to please him in return this time. I looked at his beautiful erection, hard and ready. I reached a finger out and nervously chanced a small touch, his response of a hiss and eyes rolling back into his head, my reassurance. His hand took hold of mine and wrapped it around his length, my fingers just barely touching. He smirked at me while showing me how to play his body just right._

I grasped my swollen hardness and slowly pumped into my fist. The feeling not intense enough, I jumped out of bed in search of a lubricant to lessen the friction. My bathroom yielded a bar of soap in the shower that should help things along. My decision now made, I turned the shower on, adjusting the temperature for my comfort. I stepped in and let the water cascade over me. Grabbing the soap, I lathered my hand and started at my chest, my erection twitched when my fingertips ran over my nipples. Realizing this was a pleasurable feeling, I gritted my teeth while chancing a slight pinch. A long moan resonated through my bathroom.

_Jasper licked the palm of his hand while continuing to smirk. He fisted my shaft and paid special attention to the head, which was leaking almost non-stop, adding to the bliss. My other hand grabbed the back of his head and I crushed my lips to his. His tongue entered my mouth, heaven. His taste, so real. Our foreheads met when the pleasure became too intense._

My eyes shut; I was pumping into my hand with abandon.

_My stomach clenched and I knew my release was imminent, my only hope being that he was there with me. I looked at his face, uninhibited lust plainly evident. I whimpered as I felt warmth shoot onto my chest. His body tensed and he followed immediately after with a guttural groan. _

I screamed his name, my orgasm hitting me like a freight train.

The weight of the past week crashed upon me and I fell to the floor of my shower. I sat there for an unknown amount of time hugging my knees to my chest, tears falling. _I am gay. I have to be._

And the part that hurt most, I was unwanted.

* * *

_**A/N:**_ First and foremost, thank you for reading this fic and leaving such great reviews. Reading your kind words make me feel all warm inside and lift me up when I'm down. Thanks for that!

Now some housekeeping on things that have been asked/suggested:

There **will** be a HEA, but these chapters are short and there will be a lot of them. Can't even guess as to how many, but hopefully you'll stick by me.

I know that I originally said this will be updated daily. I promise to finish this story, but there will be times that I can't update for a day or a few at a time. Real life and family will always come first as this is just an outlet. Speaking of, the next three days suck ass for me, so I will not have another update until Friday. **Trust that this fic will complete!**

Emmett is **not** against Jasper being gay. They are best friends and have been for years. Emmett stuck by Jasper through much of his past. He just doesn't agree with Jasper's actions. And again, it is a bit too close to home when Rose's brother is involved. Also, Emmett doesn't swing that way, so he'd rather not hear about Jasper's sex life. Sorry if I have made it sound like Emmett is not an anti-gay bigot. Far from it!

This story starts off in late September. We are currently at the beginning of October.

As for ages…

Edward – 17 (Senior in HS)

Jasper – 26

Rose – 21

Emmett (Torn's drummer, Jasper's best friend & Rose's bf) – 27

Peter (Torn's lead guitarist and backing vocals, also Jasper's cousin) – 24

Mike (Torn's bassist & Emmett's brother) – 22

Leah (Torn's manager) - 29


	12. Walls That Lie Between Us

_**~Edward~**_

After dinner, I played around on my laptop, checking my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Not that I was a very active participant on either, just trying to keep my mind occupied, I suppose.

And then, before I realized it, I was on Torn's official website. As I scanned the news and show section, I noticed they had an upcoming show in Indianapolis in two days. I needed to find Rose, she's the only one that would understand and have means of helping me.

I left my room on a mission, hearing the muffled music as I reached the bottom of the stairs. _Perfect!_

I found Rosalie in the media room listening to what I now knew as Torn, and casually flipping through a magazine.

"What are you doing," I growled out, as I grabbed her shoulders from behind.

"Shit, Edward." She screamed while jumping. "You scared the hell out of me."

"And it works like a charm, every single time," I chuckled, picking up the magazine she'd thrown when I scared her. "So, what've you been up to?"

"Oh… you know. This and that," she responded bopping her head to the beat of the music. I grabbed the remote, turning it down a few decibels. She huffed, but I cut her off before she had a chance to voice her complaint.

I gathered what little courage I had at the moment. "I was wondering if you were going to see Torn on Friday?"

"How did _you_ know about the show?" Rose asked with a raised brow.

"Oh, uh... Some kids at school were talking about it." I quickly breathed out. "I was wondering if I could catch a ride with you. I'd like to see them again," waiting for her to call me out on it.

"Well… I _am_ going, but I booked a room to stay overnight. I don't plan to be in any shape to drive all the way back from Indy." I felt my stomach drop a bit. She must have recognized my hesitance as she added with a slight smirk, "Ya know, if mom gives the okay to ditch school the next day, it'll be fine by me. The hotel is booked, but the room has a sofa bed. We can just room together."

"Thanks, sis." I kissed her cheek and went to find my mother. I knew she wouldn't have a problem as it wouldn't it would be just one day missed. She knew I was responsible; I did feel a little guilty having her think there wasn't a minimum age to get into these establishments I had been frequenting lately, but I didn't dwell on it.

I wanted and needed answers. Mostly, I just needed to see Jasper again. I only hoped he _saw_ _me_ this time.

* * *

Late Friday morning, Rosalie and I drove the three or so hours to Indianapolis and checked into the hotel. As she had said previously, they were still booked solid, so changing to a double or even a suite was out of the question. That meant the sofa had my name on it. I did not care; seeing Jasper again was the main focus for the evening.

Rose and I placed our luggage in the room, quickly dressed, and grabbed something to eat in the restaurant downstairs as we had time to burn before heading to the club.

I noticed her staring at me, contemplatively, as she had been doing quite often as of late. "So Ed, why did you _really_ want to come with me?"

I cleared me throat, "I just enjoyed the music last time." I replied quickly, too quickly. I started playing with my napkin.

She slammed her fork down and walked away. I sat for a minute and then chased her to our room.

I followed her in, grabbing her arm once the door shut behind us. "Would you wait?"

She continued to pull away. "No. I know there is something going on with you. It really hurts that you can't trust me," she sobbed.

"Shit, Rosalie." I prayed that this would turn out fine. "Sit, please," I gestured to the sofa.

She sat, looking up at me and patiently waiting for her answer. I ran my hand through my hair and starting pulling on it, a nervous habit I've had as far back as I can remember.

"Rose, I just… don't know." I whispered in acquiescence. That was the honest truth. I did not know how to tell her about what I was dealing with. She always talked; I listened. I took a deep breath and gave silent prayer for acceptance on the exhale.

And with a look of shame that I'm sure was plastered on my face, I let my dark secret out. "Uhhh…S-Something happened the other night. The night of Torn's show in Columbus."

She quirked a brow, "What do you mean?"

I shook my head but said nothing, wanting to run it through my mind first. _Please, please still love me after all of this._She sat silently, giving me a minute.

I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed, "I think…well, I might be gay."

"You think you're gay?" she asked. "Deets, little brother."

"Well… I…" I stammered. "I felt something for… uhhh… Jasper."

"Jasper?" she blinked. "Edward, what the hell happened the other night?" she said through her teeth.

"Rose, listen. I'm not telling you everything, okay." I cleared my throat and continued. "This is so new and so damn hard for me. I don't know what I'm doing here. Just know that I've never felt like this for anyone else before. Ever."

"Wow," she breathed out, sitting up straighter.

"My thoughts exactly," I sighed in relief.

"So, this is why you wanted to come tonight."

I looked her in the eyes and whispered, "I just wanted, no needed to see him again."

She looked at me for another minute, her eyes starting to water again, "Well then, you will."

I let out my own sob – this one of relief - and hugged her, happy to feel her acceptance.

* * *

**A/N:** Chapter updates will be slowing down to weekly. I just don't have the time for daily or even twice a week. Thanks for your patience and trust in me! I appreciate all of you.

And, I thought I should mention. I don't exactly picture most of these characters as the actors who play them in the movie version. You may not agree with some of these, but I think they fit the story.

Jasper Whitlock– people who know me IRL, know that I love me some Jackson. So yeah, he is my Jasper.

Edward Cullen – I'm probably the only person out there not attracted to RP _Whaaaa? _However, I am his portrayal of Edward in the first film, Twilight. That is how I picture this Edward to look. Oh, add some thick black rim glasses. Hot.

Emmett McCarty - M. Shadows aka Matthew Sanders of the band Avenged Sevenfold

Rosalie Cullen– Taylor Momsen of the band The Pretty Reckless and Gossip Girl TV show

Carlisle & Esme Cullen - as portrayed in the films

Peter Whitlock – Ville Valo of the band HIM

Mike Newton – Jared Leto of the band 30 Seconds to Mars

Leah Uley – as portrayed in the films


	13. Slow I Suffocate

_**~Edward~**_

We arrived at the club earlier than we had the previous Friday, so the crowd wasn't as intense yet. Also, the bouncer at the main entrance didn't pay us much attention, so we made it in quite fast. Once inside we headed straight toward the backstage area.

"What can I do for you, pretty lady?" The security guy asked, smiling at Rosalie.

"We're here to see Torn. I'm Rose Cullen. We should be on the list."

Checking over his list, he nodded finding her name. "I see you here, but no guest."

"Shit! I didn't even think about it," Rose said, facing me before turning back to eye him. "This is my brother. It shouldn't be a problem for him to go back with me, right?" she fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"Sorry, sweetheart, no can do. No one gets backstage unless you're on the list, or with the band." He turned away from us.

_Damn!_ I walked away figuring this was the end.

"Edward, wait!" She pulled me over to the side and I saw the wheels turning in her head."Ed, wait here, 'kay? I'm gonna go find Emmett, as he's our best option right now. I'll be right back."

I nodded, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. "Are you sure this will work? What are you going to say?"

Her eyes lit up, a mischievous grin appearing on her face. "Of course it'll work._ I_ have a plan." She winked before spinning on her heel, heading toward the backstage entrance.

A few minutes later the bouncer spoke into his earpiece. He waved me over, "Alright, you can go in."

My heart sped up, knowing I was that much closer to seeing Jasper again.

I found Rose in the hall. "That was quick."

"I couldn't get to Emmett; he's in a conference with the band, but I told one of the roadies that you were gonna sneak something onto the bus for me," I raised a brow, "a surprise for Emmett. Then he got a hold of Leah, who surprisingly, Ok'd it!" She stopped when we were at a set of double doors. "Alright. This is where I'm headed to keep everyone away from the bus. "You're gonna go through the back exit door over there to the lot. Their meeting is just about over." I looked over to see a door in the direction she pointed. "Hide in the restroom near the exit and I'll text you when the band comes back in here. You remember what their bus looks like, right?"

I nodded and kissed her cheek. "Thanks, Rosalie. This means a lot to me… what you are doing."

"No prob. Oh, and don't worry. Jasper always goes back to the bus after a show. He's not very social. Hey! Sounds kinda like someone else I know." I rolled my eyes while she held out a key. "It's an extra bus key from the roadie. Good luck, Ed."

I waited in the restroom for about ten minutes until I received the text. "Coast clear!"

I found their bus, -the with no markings- cautiously entering after unlocking the door. I heard the crowd noise echoing from the outside, and looked at my phone. I had close to three hours to kill before Jasper would be here.

Sitting down on the sofa, I decided to check my text messages. Two were from Garrett, keeping me up-to-date on the evening's events. I rolled my eyes, chuckling to myself at the pictures he sent of Riley and Tyler funneling beer. _Morons!_

Leaning my head back against the top of the sofa, I silently willed my body to relax. Hearing Torn start up their set didn't help matters. Once I heard the muffled sound of Jasper's voice, my mind flashed back to the last time I was on this bus, laying on top this particular sofa. I pictured Jasper from my last memory. The way he touched me. The way he made me feel. My heart started beating a little faster. My phone vibrated, jolting me back to reality. It was a text from Bella.

_E got a rm 4 us 2nite. Ur on ur own. Meet U b4 cko tom._ _~R_

It took me a minute to understand what the fuck she just sent me, not being into text speak. But when I did, I knew this had to be a sign, and I fully intended to take advantage of this situation. The next hour was spent in my head, mulling over what I wanted to say to Jasper.

My nerves kicked into overdrive once Jasper started what I remembered as the last song of Torn's set. I blew out a huge breath, feeling the sudden panic hit my chest. Sweat started pouring down my face and my breathing picked up.

I made my way to the bathroom. Once inside, I splashed some cold water on my face and took in my appearance, my face still flushed.

_I can do this. _

_I need answers._

Fully prepared to face Jasper, I reached for the door handle, but stopped when I heard two voices. One belonged to Jasper, the other I could not clearly make out. They seemed to be in a heated discussion. _Shit, the other guy was coming on the bus with him!_

I heard the unrecognizable voice clearer as they closed the closet door opposite the bathroom.

"Whatever, Jay. If you change your mind, you know where we'll be." I heard the bus door slam shut and Jasper yelling out a _FUCK!_

_It's now or never, Edward._

I opened the door to see Jasper, standing with his hands resting on the kitchenette counter. I saw his body heaving as he took deep breaths. Shutting the door quietly, I made my way over to him. I wanted to comfort him any way I could. He opened his eyes, looking up at me before I reached him.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here?"


	14. I Will Not Bow

_**Chapters will be coming weekly for this now. I have a few banked, but the one I'm working on is a bitch. While trying to find my muse, I'm exercising my mind and started a new fic. It's called Desperately Wanting and is Bella/Edward. In order to get to that though, there will be a fuck-ton of Angst. Lots of stuff involved and a pretty big disclaimer at the beginning of the first chapter. Not a pretty story at all. And I can't guarantee a complete HEA, but I give you two clues. Bella and Edward don't die or cheat on each other. The story is very dear to me and if you can stomach it, I'd love if you checked it out. I will also try up dating that one weekly. Chapter size will be similar to the ones you've read here. Link is in my profile along with a banner. Thank you!  
**_

* * *

_**~Jasper~**_

I couldn't catch my breath, the biting pain pulling me under again. Awaking from its slumber, the grip deafening. Relief not within sight, I remained held tight in its clutches.

A slight gasp momentarily brought me out of my quandary. Stunned silent; I stood still, staring at this beautiful boy. My brow furrowed as I tried to process how he could be here and if this was reality.

Whatever this may be, he needed to go. My head was not in the right place. I needed to end this before it even started. Again. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

His eyes started darting around, scared to be here with me, if I chanced a guess. I couldn't deny his fear. I felt like a caged lion, seeking its freedom; ready to make a meal of my prey. I'm quite sure I looked the part. "I-I needed to see you," he whispered.

I wanted to be alone, but this one request, apparently too much to ask. How dare _he _come here. I barely knew him, but from what I could tell, he was better than me, needed more than what I could give. I made my way to the cupboards in our kitchenette. Searching for my comfort, I pushed the contents around until found my savior. Bringing it to my lips, I shot the bottle back. My never fail remedy lessened the ache. Just a short while and I would be free again... if but for only a moment. I felt the warm numbness beginning to spread.

Realizing as I drowned my own troubles that he seemed to be nervous of something, I offered him a beer.

"Sure, thanks." I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of Corona, setting it in front of him. He popped the top and took a few swigs. He wiped his full lips and set the bottle down, continuing to look at the floor while biding his time.

If I was going to get even a glimpse of solitude before one of my band mates arrived, then I needed to get him talking, so he could be on his way. "Well, what did you want then?" I took another long pull from my bottle, the ache slowly dissolving.

"I-I wanted to speak to you about what happened between us last Friday," he mumbled.

His eyes rose, meeting mine; those beautiful eyes filled with such hope struck me with the blatant need displayed there. That's when I knew. I knew I'd made the biggest mistake I've made in the last five years. _Fuck! He's a virgin. I knew this. Of course he would have questions. I am such a fucking idiot for getting involved with him._

I needed this. He _needed_ this; to be let down hard and not hold any hope for a future with me. It just wasn't in the cards. A clean break.

I looked at him in question, steeling myself for the hate that would soon come my way. "And why? You got your rocks off. So really, what's there to talk about?" I shrugged. I hated being such an asshole, but it needed to be done.

"Uh… As you knew, I'd never been with a man in any way, let alone a woman. I was very confused," he hedged. "But after what happened between us... I've done some thinking. I'm quite certain that I am gay. Or maybe just for you." He finished under his breath.

I stood there looking at him; everything that happened between us that night rushing back into the forefront of my mind. I closed my eyes. I didn't plan for this. This was not how things were supposed to happen. _I'll just have to turn him away; become more of the bastard that I already am. I can't be what he needs... what this beautiful, saddened boy deserves._

"As I'm sure you have realized by now, I _am_ gay. Not a hint of bisexuality in me whatsoever. But, that doesn't mean what we did holds a place in me. Basically, what happened, it was just a fuck. Or at least I made you come. And yes, this was different for me. Normally I take, not give. You should be happy I felt so giving and just run along. There are more guys out there. I'm sure there's a nice little twink somewhere, just like you, that you can be happy with. I'm. Not. Him. So, if that's all..." I looked to the door, giving the sense of finality.

He looked at me, tears welling up in his gorgeous emerald eyes. _What the fuck. I may be a heartless bastard, but I'm not that heartless. Maybe he can stay here for a little and I can continue to persuade him that I am not right for him. I won't continue to take his innocence from him._

"Hey. Umm... I'm sorry about that man. I just... I had a rough night. So, you can hang here for a bit, if you'd like. But, again. I'm _not_ what you're looking for. If you can understand that, then you're welcome to hang." And for some unknown reason, I wanted him to stay.

"Are you sure? I don't want to be in your way." Again, so full of hope. And sadly, I had none to give.

"Yeah. I planned on just kicking back, maybe drinking a few. Hell, I'm sure I'll play a few." I winked at him and motioned to the couch.

He sat down and finished off his beer. I grabbed my guitar, plucked out a few chords and proceeded to get lost in the music. It could have been hours, or just mere minutes before I was jolted out of my absent-minded state, by laughter. And it was that completely fake, shrill laughter that made me jump up and look worriedly at my companion.

"Come on baby; let's see if any of the guys are around. I'll introduce you and then you and I can..." More giggles. I could hear the obnoxious wet kisses from inside the bus. Ah, yes. My cousin, Peter, and his newest groupie decided to grace us with their presence. Surprisingly, he only had one in tow. I chanced a quick look at what he picked up this week and all I saw was trashy sleaziness. Disturbingly disgusting, really.

"I'm not sure what you planned to do tonight. I may be going out on a limb here, but I have a feeling you will not be going back to the bus in the near future?" I shrugged, unsure of where I _would_ be spending my night. I knew I couldn't face Emmett's wrath in the near future. "Rosalie and I have a room at a nearby hotel if you need a place to crash. She sent me a text earlier and said she would be spending the night with Emmett elsewhere. So..."


	15. I Wish I May

_**I am a horrible, horrible writer. I am trying so hard and this just isn't coming to me like it used to. I will update as I can. That's all I can give you. Not even sure anyone is still around. Thank you if you are still reading. I will get Desperately Wanting to you as soon as I'm able.  
**_

_**~Jasper~**_

"Yeah, sure. Let's jet." Maybe we could just go get some much needed sleep. My body and mind ached at the prospect. Not that it happened often.

He led me through the parking lot to a sweet, little blue Audi. "Wow, nice ride man!"

"Thanks, it's Rose's. I'm glad she decided to stay with Emmett," he smiled. I was thankful when the boy told me Rose'd given him the keys earlier. Guess he played the designated driver when they went out. Shit at least spared me from Emmett's wrath.

We climbed into the buttery leather and were off. I watched as he maneuvered through traffic. His concentration on the vehicles around us left me with a chance to look him over better. Auburn hair that looked almost copper in the light, eyes as green as emeralds. His long, lean body, from what I could tell… a masterpiece that called to me like a siren.

The boy started saying something and looked over at me. He saw my stare and looked away quickly, licking his lips. _God he is beautiful. I just... fuck, if only._

After what seemed like the longest car ride in history, with tension thick in the air, we arrived at the hotel and I followed him up to their room. He mumbled and pointed to the bed. "So, you can take the bed. I'll... uh, grab the sofa."

"Are you sure?" I questioned.

"Yeah, no problem. I'm just going to get ready for bed." he ducked away fast.

I plopped down on the bed, rubbing my face with my palms. I decided I would pretend to be asleep when he came out, no need to carry on with this facade any longer. I rolled over and shut my eyes. Moments later, I heard him exit the bathroom. He must have stopped as I didn't hear any movement.

After a minute I heard him moving through the room, quietly rummaging through his belongings. I chanced a peak. He was staring at the sofa bed, shirtless with flannel pajama pants hanging low on his slim hips. The pale planes of his back, a glorious sight. He started turning around and I quickly shut my eyes.

I heard the slight creaking of him opening the sofa bed and then the rustle of sheets as he readied it. The click of the light being turned off, darkness encasing us. A sigh, the last thing I remember.

_**~Edward~**_

I heard sounds coming from somewhere in the room but couldn't make them out clearly; then they ceased. My eyes blinked on their own accord trying to focus on the surroundings. The room was pitch black. I looked over to the alarm clock… 5a.m. I stretched and stood, grabbing my glasses and making my way to the bathroom.

The muffled noises began as I came out, coming from the bed where Jasper slept. I quietly walked over for better understanding.

"Jasper," I whispered. He didn't answer directly, only continued mumbling; his fists grasping the twisted covers around his body. _He must be dreaming._ I gently sat down on the edge of the bed, which didn't seem to disturb him. His body began to tremble and through the dim light of the bathroom casting over his form, I could see beads of sweat forming on his chest. I leaned in closer to hear his whimpered words. "No... good, I'll be good."

My heart ached at the sight of Jasper in torment, and I did what I would do for anyone needing comfort. I slid up the bed closer to him, lying down, and draping an arm over him. His body responded and calmed within seconds.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I bolted upright in the bed at Jasper's gruff voice. The morning light peeked from around the drawn shades of the room. I must've fallen asleep.

"I'm sorry. You… then I…" I stammered.

Jasper ripped the sheet off his body that I had placed on him overnight, a fierce look combing his features. "I _what_?"

"You were having a bad dream and I thought," I began.

"You thought, you thought... _what_?" Jasper sneered as he sat up. "_You_ thought you would comfort _me_?"

"Well, yes." His eyes softened while he eyed me curiously but said nothing more, putting on his t-shirt before stalking to the bathroom, and slamming the door behind him.

"Look Jasper… I," I started after he returned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Yeah, I don't want to talk about it," Jasper gave a curt nod. "I'm not good with the whole _talking_ shit so… just… thanks."

I breathed a sigh of relief that he was lightening up. "Okay… so I'm going to order some breakfast. Do want anything?"

"No, no. I'm good. I think I'll just grab a cab back." He went to grab his jacket and I got up from my perch on the bed to stop him. I didn't want him to leave so soon. It was just too soon.

"Hey, come on. It's all on Rose; her treat." I gave him a sly smirk.

Jasper chuckled lightly. "Well... alright then. Let's just see what they have! Oh, I like the glasses by the way." My cheeks heated.

After a quiet breakfast, Jasper acknowledged the time and said he needed to leave before Rosalie returned. I didn't ask why, but quickly found a hotel notepad and wrote down my cell number.

"So, thanks again for the bus break. I never sleep well there." He didn't sleep well here either. I wondered how much sleep he actually got each night.

"Anytime, Jasper," I nodded. "And here's my number. You can call anytime if you ever want to talk or something." He eyed me questioningly saying nothing as he placed it in his pocket.

He opened the door to leave but halted his movement just outside. He gasped and muttered, "Oh, shit." I walked up to peak around him and saw Rosalie and Emmett standing on the opposite side of the hallway.

Emmett noticed us, an immediate glare upon his face. "What the fuck, Jasper?"

"Em... baby?" Rose's concerned voice trying to calm him.

Jasper shook his head and continued his path down the hall, Emmett quick on his heels.


End file.
